Meet Syd (and her adorable dog, Boba)
Setting: sitting at a tiny, squeaky table on the second floor of Gov Cup coffee shop
Behind-the-scenes: This woman made her way into my life almost five years ago. We were young, in-love with the idea of love, and dedicated camp counselors. Now, as an adult, Syd is married, pursuing a masters degree in clinical counseling, and carrying an unexpected, new gift of life. I asked her to share her story regarding an unsettling beginning to pregnancy…and how her experience has not matched the often bubbly, attractive Instagram narrative.
How is your heart, regarding pregnancy?
“It has been back and forth. At first–at six weeks–my heart was confused. It felt not as joyful as I was hoping, not as fluttery. It was almost heavy. I think I was mourning the reality of everything we had so far and how it is not going to be anymore… rather than letting the joy of a new beginning shadow over that. My head was trying to convince my heart to be light, like ’I should be light, happy, effervescent.’ Instead, I thought, ‘no one can know.’
Now, at 19 weeks, I can finally say my heart is content. Every once in awhile I feel that excitement and joy, when I think about when their five and talking or what their personality will be like. I have had lightness with my thought life now. I am more content with God’s plan for me, for the baby. When I say content, I mean not stressing about anything. My heart is not for want.”
How has God met with you in this new season of uncertainty?
“In general, just the fact that I haven’t been stressed about it is huge. How He has covered me in peace is a mystery to me because normally I am so task-oriented. Like, ‘I need to figure this out. I need to do this right.’ But, I am so relaxed about it…to the point where I eat tuna every once and awhile. And it’s okay. Previously, I would have seen myself as someone who would be by the book, by the rules.
Instead, I am more relaxed about pregnancy than I ever thought I would be. I thought I would be so paranoid about any movement or if my pants were too tight or my diet. I don’t even feel guilty about eating McDonald’s every once in awhile.
I thought I would be controlling over it, but I am resting in it instead.”
What would you share with others regarding being pregnant and the emotions you felt?
“In my situation, I was sad. And that is okay. It is good to process your emotions. And when you’re pregnant, your emotions can be all over the place. It was sad. That was my first emotion when I found out about it. And then I was upset at myself for feeling that way.
You romanticize the moment and it wasn’t what I planned. And, everything I envisioned and knew was gone. And what I worked for and what I planned for crashed down. I knew I had to resolve that inside myself because what God had planned was far better than what I did.
And that’s where the mourning came in. Mourning what I wanted and what I had because God swatted it down, hard. It wasn’t about picking up the pieces and rebuilding. It was like He gave me new and better pieces and I think that is why my heart has changed so much. Maybe why I am experiencing that freedom is because, for the first time, I am not in control. Ironically, that was something I prayed for, forever, that He would help me with my control issue. I like to know what’s going on, to plan, to not feel like I’m flaying around.
There is a lot about being pregnant that I don’t know… like what my body is going to do, how I am going to feel the next day, if it is a boy or a girl, so many unknowns; but, at the same time, the unknowns aren’t scary anymore; they are just exciting.”
Any last thoughts?
“It is about trusting that the next step is going to be great and that God will provide all you need to be excellent in it.”
Syd glances at me, smiles, and says, “You could have a baby, if you want.”